The last 8 weeks had been filled with heartache and moans. Death is an inevitable end but feeling someone you love actually nearly passed away is not something I have experienced before. It is still a question to me whether mother has restored her basic senses of consciousness after a large part of her right brain being damaged by the stroke. She may still have some memory of us, but she may also forget who we are. She may still hear or feel our tender care, but she may also feel absolutely helpless. I don’t even have time or energy to question God’s will …. Why would He let this happen to a 86-year-old lady to be partly immobile and to be alive while not able to eat or drink herself. Perhaps, it’s His plan to give us a few more months or years to be with her. I do not know His plan but sort or accept that without question.

Being vulnerable is a state when we share our inner self or stories or thoughts that may not be well respected of by others. It can also mean opening up ourselves for unforeseen and uncontrollable situations. I felt particular vulnerable to show my weakness when witnessing my mother suffering while not taking prompt action right at that critical moment. Did my slow responsiveness delay the time to get her proper medical treatment? Perhaps, I felt guilt and shame for not showing my care when she was still ‘well’, despite her suffering from Alzheimer disease.

Time did get me come to acceptance of what I could not change, still the heart is aching every night.

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