Choices – 4

The followings are not my great ideas nor originate from my little brain, though I have come up with some new insights or different understanding to each of them …

• Choose carefully before making any decision, especially who you are going to spend time with.
• Love and commit to what you choose as you will never know what unexpected surprises are awaiting for you ahead
• Leaving the difficult decision to the Holy Divine is not an escape route, but a detour to refresh the mind and be ready for next round of mind game
• Choices do not have to be comprised with what you have on hand, but take courage and craziness to identify new choices

 

Being vulnerable

The last 8 weeks had been filled with heartache and moans. Death is an inevitable end but feeling someone you love actually nearly passed away is not something I have experienced before. It is still a question to me whether mother has restored her basic senses of consciousness after a large part of her right brain being damaged by the stroke. She may still have some memory of us, but she may also forget who we are. She may still hear or feel our tender care, but she may also feel absolutely helpless. I don’t even have time or energy to question God’s will …. Why would He let this happen to a 86-year-old lady to be partly immobile and to be alive while not able to eat or drink herself. Perhaps, it’s His plan to give us a few more months or years to be with her. I do not know His plan but sort or accept that without question.

Being vulnerable is a state when we share our inner self or stories or thoughts that may not be well respected of by others. It can also mean opening up ourselves for unforeseen and uncontrollable situations. I felt particular vulnerable to show my weakness when witnessing my mother suffering while not taking prompt action right at that critical moment. Did my slow responsiveness delay the time to get her proper medical treatment? Perhaps, I felt guilt and shame for not showing my care when she was still ‘well’, despite her suffering from Alzheimer disease.

Time did get me come to acceptance of what I could not change, still the heart is aching every night.