Choices – 4

The followings are not my great ideas nor originate from my little brain, though I have come up with some new insights or different understanding to each of them …

• Choose carefully before making any decision, especially who you are going to spend time with.
• Love and commit to what you choose as you will never know what unexpected surprises are awaiting for you ahead
• Leaving the difficult decision to the Holy Divine is not an escape route, but a detour to refresh the mind and be ready for next round of mind game
• Choices do not have to be comprised with what you have on hand, but take courage and craziness to identify new choices

 

Being vulnerable

The last 8 weeks had been filled with heartache and moans. Death is an inevitable end but feeling someone you love actually nearly passed away is not something I have experienced before. It is still a question to me whether mother has restored her basic senses of consciousness after a large part of her right brain being damaged by the stroke. She may still have some memory of us, but she may also forget who we are. She may still hear or feel our tender care, but she may also feel absolutely helpless. I don’t even have time or energy to question God’s will …. Why would He let this happen to a 86-year-old lady to be partly immobile and to be alive while not able to eat or drink herself. Perhaps, it’s His plan to give us a few more months or years to be with her. I do not know His plan but sort or accept that without question.

Being vulnerable is a state when we share our inner self or stories or thoughts that may not be well respected of by others. It can also mean opening up ourselves for unforeseen and uncontrollable situations. I felt particular vulnerable to show my weakness when witnessing my mother suffering while not taking prompt action right at that critical moment. Did my slow responsiveness delay the time to get her proper medical treatment? Perhaps, I felt guilt and shame for not showing my care when she was still ‘well’, despite her suffering from Alzheimer disease.

Time did get me come to acceptance of what I could not change, still the heart is aching every night.

A sense of ‘through’ and ‘completeness’

A dim light flashing weakly not that far away

A deep breath calming the fear inside

A few more days or weeks, am I through the test of self-assurance?

A feeling of lost getting strong inside

A man and a woman I called them ‘dad and mom’ are with me for all these years

A family so closed and yet I know so little and feel so remote

A hunch that they are departing, in a few more years, or months, or even just weeks

Is that part of me completed?

An excitement of unknown creeping inside out

A fire burning quietly now glowing

A positive ‘me’ charting the future path now and yet I can’t see clearly

 ‘through’ and ‘completeness’ are relative terms. Perhaps, the time I felt lost and wasted was meant to prepare for better or tougher next passage of journey. Or, the doubt and struggle I was through were meant to revisit my real strengths and weaknesses. Regardless, I know stories will be very different. Hope is what I remind myself … just as what I wrote at the beginning of the 2011.

“… Dad, I love you even I also dislike you…”

Pressure building up again in light of pressing deadline for the 2 papers and 2 exam in May. As a matter of fact, I have not done any writing though partially done with search of articles and references. There are something else in mind.

When was my last time (or actually the first time) to write something personal with him (ie my father)?  March or April 1993. That’s the only one time – I wrote a letter after I witnessed a young man hit by a bus in the morning I rushed to school (while I was  studying MBA at University of Queensland. I lived about half hour of the bus ride from the campus, and the bus service schedule was on hourly basis (ie if I missed that, I would be late for class at least 1 hour). Cut the story short, the young chap rode on his bike, passed me on the right side and said ‘Good day mate’. I met him almost every morning and so that’s why I recognized him. And, since he was on his bike, he would be at least a few blocks far ahead of me before I reached the bus stop. On that morning, it was the last time I heard his greeting, and the moment I saw his body on the road, it was a shock to me. On that evening, I called home and only father was around. It’s quite unusal for me to talk about something else, like what I had experienced and felt. And, surprisingly, his words gave me some comfort and a week later, I wrote a card and thank him …. though it’s a short note, but it’s also my first ever expression … ‘I love you’.

His health condition deteriorated quite rapidly since last Christmas and we had not gone out for lunch during weekend for a few months already. Yes, he also got cranky a lot too …. somehow making both my sisters and the helper quite annoying (don’t ever mention my impatience as well).

Today, we (my sister, mother and helper and me) went out (finally) for late (late) lunch, he stayed at home. Then when we came back an hour later, he was lying on the floor. He’s still conscious but very weak … cut the story short again … I felt something sad inside me. Perhaps I was over sentimental or I was right again for my hunch?

Time is getting close and short … our fate as father and daughter will soon end too. Will I be able to say it out again, face to face?

Surrender

It’s my birthday today…. who cares?  Right, it is just another day of the year. But with all these tragic catastrophes happened past week – about how bad Japan being hit by earthquake and then tsunami, about colleagues from previous company passing away (quite suddenly), about relatives being diagnosed with health problems, … my heart is heavy.

Surrender – it’s the word that caught my ear and mind. On this early morning, I am thinking hard on this word – can I commit to that? Do I see the world and my life differently when I am willingly to surrender my whole self for the divine guidance? I still have trouble to realize what it means and to reconcile with own fears of losing control. At this moment, I can sense the answer is already there, deep inside. It’s the promise that I need to make.

I have not made any ‘birthday’ wish so far – perhaps it is the one. Am I ready for it?

Job Interview

It’s a refreshing experience.

I didn’t prepare that much for an interview for such a long time and it’s an interesting, but anxious, exercise of how I looked at my past and future. Relating the past skills for a new industry, but a kind of job profile that I had done years ago, was not as easy as I thought. How could I make it more relevant while not over-shooting? How could I sell myself without being too arrogant? And, (damn) what to say about to introduce myself in an impressive way?

During the interview, I felt the little fire in my belly, and the brain engine warmed up gradually to its normal / fast speed. Strategic Qs? No problem.  Be pragmatic in striking workable options for various kinds of work scenarios? No problem.  “How do you see your past experience fit in this role?” …. umm, I guess myself talking too long then.

It was almost two full hours of first meeting – I must be making an impressive talk in many areas, except showing adequately on ”MARKETING” expertise. Sure, I was working in marketing role for  some years, but in fact, my strengths really lied in strategy (analysis, delivery) and project management …. ie get things done. Feedback – “she’s great but kind of modest” …. what does it mean?

After thoughts - a) I still have that marketability; b) self-doubt is self-imposed but also the biggest challenge; c) I do need to answer myself the question of ’what next’. It’s a matter of focus and direction.

Get it over – 3

There is a short story circulating via net talking about different types of people coming to our lives for certain reasons –

• Some people may stay with us for only a short while but could leave with us a profound impact (like or dislike) for a life time
• Some people we want to have them for a life time – either we are lucky enough to have this wish fulfilled or  we never have that chance or drop that accidentally and regret (whatever reasons)
• Some people we may not even notice their existence but they are there to teach us something. It’s just a matter of time for us to find that out.

There is another story taking a different perspective looking at how we play our parts in others’ lives

• We are only passer-by for someone, for a certain stage of other’s life, for a short/long period of time, for certain reasons
• We are likely accompanying our family members / friends / colleagues or even strangers for a certain part of their journeys. When time comes, we shall depart. Taking an analogy of many trains travelling on different tracks, we meet at certain platforms, take the same train for certain stops, and yet we shall bid farewell at certain stops and move on other trains.
• Some of those journeys could be pleasant but bet you that most of the time these could be boring or heart-aching as well.
• Throughout different journeys and on different trains or while we are waiting at the platform, we learn to appreciate, to respect, to let go – you can say it’s about give and take, forgive and forget, pull and push … regardless, we are still passer-by for someone’s life

Perhaps our fate was never meant to be a closed one but you were there at certain point of my life for a reason. It’s not a question of let go but a lesson for me to learn what and how to respect. Perhaps I should never have asked that question ‘did I mean anything to you?’ You never answered that but smiled. Seriously, it’s time to get myself sorted out and move on.

So, once again, I am off the train (since you are well taken of). It seems like a transit station with many tracks and connecting platforms. There are lots of people strolling / sitting around the waiting hall. Perhaps … I should take a cup of coffee or tea, check out the information centre, and look around to spot any familiar faces. Or, lucky enough I may get to know new companions for the next train.

Get it over – 2

The feeling of half drunk, half sober, is great.

I’m more willing to talk about myself and even sharing a bit of unnerved self.

but I won’t go that far to lose sense of reality.

Can I hijack this situation, telling u that “I love u”?

Get it over – 1

You were pretty in that wedding gown. For the whole day, you carried a sparking and contented smile on your face as if the time has been stopped forever just for you. It must be a conqueror feeling for your partner to win you over.

I was a bit regret to be part of the scene and it’s not easy to make a way out, though I did. Somehow, I turned back and looked at you again.

‘Click’ – I had your glamour moment captured in memory … that should be enough for me.

 

A new year 2011

A new day of a new year just started.

No car horns nor ship beeps as last year … it is sort of strange as I am expecting to hear that so that I can yell (in mind only) “Happy New Year”. Why does the world become so quiet? Or am I deaf?

Thinking of 2011 resolution is kind of suck. There would be no extra-ordinary wish list as we all may wish to make something different versus last year, the year before, and so on. Then, there is no need to be special then … let’s check this out, would that be …

• live a better life – or get a balanced life, or get a new direction of life
• find an anchor spiritually and have that peace in mind and soul
• spend more time with family, friends and loved ons
• contribute something back to the society, be more helpful and do more charity activities
• do something good for the body – like exercise, sleep early, quit some bad habits, etc
• achieve another high goal(s) at work or school
• fix or do better financially – get out of debt or invest wisely, or add another ’0′ at the bank account

Whatever yours or mine, just answer our inner self a question, only one question, “why do we need a resolution?”

Even there is a one fixed goal set at the beginning of the year, it is not the goal that drives us and our lives (and activities around) … to me, it’s the hope. A state of mind and belief that there is something worth to pour our strength to. Hope, are you real or just a white lie to keep us going?

Hope sometimes gives us the strength that we never realize and pull us along despite the mess we are in.

Hope sometimes gives us a good excuse to forgive and to forget.

Hope sometimes gives us a dim light to get out of the dark just like a last few drops of moisture that help to drag us out of dessert.

May be I am totally wrong, even there is a situation or state of mind when we find no reason for hope, then make up one. It’s not a survival game but it is the natural gift we all have.

May all of us find the hope we need (even we thought there was none). Perhaps, it’s just sitting quietly next to us, waiting to say ‘Hi’.

Happy New Year!