Choices – 3

Happy new year!

I spent 5 minutes at ex-office  desk / room  in the dark before I closed the door, and walked out the office yesterday. Finally, I left my past in the past. It was not a drama but I wanted that piece of quietness to appreciate. There was 2 seconds my eyes filled with tears but then they evaporated as a matter of 1 second – strange. I said and meant that – no regret ! Yes, it’s the people I shall miss  because of the sweats and fights that made us bonded.

With 2 classes of mediation coming, the time will be easily occupied because of readings and exercise / practices. Got a few queries of what’s mediation and if I could be make a living out of that. The answer is ‘yes, it can be a good option, one of many, though it is a real challenge for someone like me (so used to problem solving, fast forwarding or impatient, principled minded … etc. The more I participated in role play exercise, the more I found out how ‘inadequate’ I have been in terms of ‘life experience’ …. so wish me luck to pass all required exams in order to get accreditation. I may not earn my bills as a mediator, but the skills acquired will be immensely helpful for my future development.

My next few weeks should be busy with scouting exercises to know more about social services, and I want to get a place to start volunteer work with SPCA (ie to care for abandoned animals) asap … umm, cat first or dog first ? Birds and rabbits even better for me. Anyhow, let me embrace the newness and unknown with a much easier and open mind.

Good night and Good day!

Choices – 2

I got a comment from K on last entry –

“have feeling on something does not necessary have to act on it…. to make it a bit zen / tao, let feelings come, let them settle a while, and let them go…. are you referring to this state?”

Indeed I did quite a few entries talking about “let go”, in particular around subjects of relationship and work situation. Lately I didn’t have much urge to write on the blog, fearing that it becomes too much of personal stuff and revealing the weakness in me – self-pitying, indecisive and gloomy. Then, the initial agenda of setting up this blog was actually for me to download my own thoughts without fear of being criticized. So, let me be till I can define an area where more constructive ideas and thoughts can be shared over the virtual net.

K, it’s actually about what we might respond to and react on someone or something we are appealed to. Sometimes it can involve a challenge on moral or value system that embedded in the socio-cultural environment we live in. Sometimes, even if we act on our honest ground, it can be a disastrous truth to other(s). Increasingly we may take 2^nd tier options to play safe. One simple example is to meet new people with little grounds of common interest or even without any connection via work and social networks. How confident we can be to step up and say, ‘Hi, can we be friends because I feel I like to be?’. If we were still kids (under age of 6 may be), the chance can be higher for us to play with someone we don’t know at all, and probably become friends later. It’s a long answer to a comment ^_^

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Back to my story of Choices – part 2.

I am back to square one in my thoughts of next step(s). I did some good search for part time study, part time jobs, and even exploring full time jobs. Yet, my heart is anchored on any direction nor thrilled for what seems to be a ‘2^nd chance’. That’s why I have that thought of ‘decision box’.  Now, I am given the luxury to choose my next step and to live a slightly different life, with least worry on financial nor health concerns. Strangely, I feel so uneasy and make up too many negative / pessimistic thoughts inside the head. Doing a few more decision tree analysis didn’t give me any insights nor remove the clouds inside. I was even more scared to talk about it, and kept dragging my own feet for any action.

I need a burning platform to get myself out of that self-dug shit cave. Will the last pay cheque in hand be the one to shake me up? If I take each year as a page of ‘the book of life’, I don’t know what else I can write on it for 2009, except the grieves about the deaths of people I know, the worry I have with someone who is seriously sick, and the emptiness and aimless life that I don’t want. If I have 1 day left, may be it’s easier as I can just write down a few things to bother my sisters with, then I shall spend the rest of hours with them before saying farewell. That’s it. But now I have no idea of the road ahead even I am asked to chart that out myself ….

Some how I remember this phrase, ‘… for a person to live a life, give him/her someone to love; if no love can be found, then give him/her a dream to look up to and to fight for; and if there is even no dream can be spared, give him/her something to do as there must be a value in his/her existence…’

So, if my choice is to live a life fully, then should the decision box be ‘anything I can do to earn my right to exist in this part of the world?’

Choices – 1

Have you ever done any flowchart ? I did a lot when working as a consultant. There are boxes, symbols, lines and arrows, each has its specific definition and function … to illustrate / to summarize something. One particular box I usually frown with is the decision box

Why there are only Y/N, True/False, Success/Fail, etc? In reality business processes and our lives are not that simplified … ie., we do not make decision as simple as that.

More than often we tend to complain having no choices in a lot of things. On the other hand, I would say, our inner self would remind us that we do have choices, sometimes a bit too much. The best or appropiate or rational choices sometimes not what we want, … and then we tend to drag on hoping the situation may change to our favor (or what we project to be). Then, cruel reality chips in … we may then leave with limited choices …. Seem we never have enough of ‘decsion box’ !

So the power to choose is in our hands – it may be complicated by the timings, by the situation, by the role or proposition we are in for that timg / situation and the goal we want to achieve. I can relate this to some of recent encounters – from job search, relationship to health. (I am yet clear of key messages to be shared here - let me contine in next round.)

BTW,  tell me, do anyone experience this … ‘have the feeling on something doesn’t mean have to act on it’

True or False?

 Yes or No?

How do we treat our lives … while someone we knew left us quietly …

2009 … like it or not, I have 2 colleagues gone forever, 1 suffers ’stroke’ at relative young age and journey ahead will be challenging…. then old relatives passed away also at short notice and last time we met probably at last Chinese New Year …

It’s probably a love song, but the lyrics just remind me that we miss someone when he/she no longer around ….

Once … (曾經) – 1

Read an essay today from a local newspapers (my favorite and been loyal to the same newspaper for a looooong time). It’s about ‘once’ what we did/said/thought … but after a while, different perspectives kicked in and we lost that feeling ‘once’ we so strongly attached to or ignored. (see if I could make a quote here later after getting the permission from the author, and I shall try my best to translate the key messages then)

As a matter of fact, lately, while I was emotonally swinging from one end to another end, trying to uphold a little balance in terms of job search, I found out my last boss (a Brits) experienced the similar. I would say he indeed has more challenging demand than mine since he has 3 adorable kids to care for.  As expected and mentioned last time, I didn’t get the hand-shake from last interview, but it’s OK. I have already predicted that outcome and official reasons. Was I disappointed? A little bit, not because I was rejected. Rather, I see the chances in that job allowing me to do something different … and most important, I want to be in that forerunning mode of leading a small change in the market. On the other hand, I couldn’t deny that slight hesitation in my mind about the ‘chemistry’ part with the guy I talked to. 

Up to here, I didn’t talk anything relevant to the Title. 

Once … I was so open to offer my time … energy … network to colleagues and staff, expecting nothing but derived the joy from seeing their growth and success. I have no intention to claim myself being ‘great’ but at that time, I truly believed that kindness and loyalty ’should be’ part of the core values in all manhood (or womanhood). Then, time flew and I grew up a little bit… becoming a little self-absorbed and protective. Perhaps, the corporate life made me realizing something else. Lately (just these 2 weeks), I was quite unsettled because one of my colleagues (and former staff) suffered unexpected and serious illness. I grieved about the lost of a young colleague in March. I hate to learn that another young lady with whom I know for a while being put on such test for her life. Some how, I question myself now, ‘do I deserve such luck and blessing?’ 

Once … I was not happy that she handed in her resignation while I tried to help her progressing … I thought I was doing her a big favor. I wished her luck at the day she left, but I cared no more later when she came back to the same company….. I am worried now about her well being but I don’t have that ‘care’ any more … gee, I wish I could explain why. 

When I read that essay today, I was sort of stunned. I read it just about the time I had that little query in mind. Coincidence?   

Dream

Why would I invite you in my dream while knowing it’s not real

But in that fictitious world, impossibility becomes reality, almost

One after another one, we talked, touched, shook hands, or just nodded to greet

I could smell, feel and hold the ‘object’ of you

But in this real world, impossibility is the truth

Another ‘a smile’

I think … that was a friendly gesture. A click? Umm, not sure.

There must be cases where we meet someone a few times but never have real conversation … then a simple eye contact with a smile do make a difference. Taking another step out to socialize may kill me now – but I like the sweet, confidence smile on the face.

1 step towards the 1000 steps

Don’t take that literally, but I did make 1 step forward in terms of job search. On the other hand, that 1 step was in fact initiated from the Linkedin. The world has become so much ‘netted’ that sometimes I can’t be sure how good or evil it is to have ‘me’ exposed in this virtual world.

OK. ‘Me’ as a potential saleable item, being approached by a head-hunter firm despite I didn’t send any CV out. So far, I was talking to my own network and struggled to decide if I wanted a career break or another boat (whatever). Well, I had that little luck, guess so, and meetings with both the head-hunter and the potential company were going smooth. Yet, I didn’t feel excited to join that company, vice versa, though I matched most qualities that the company has outlined.

1 step – umm, it’s still a good one for me to practice the ‘selling’ part after all these years hibernating in a matrix system. I don’t mind working a few more years for money if that is the job I am really after. It’s not that doing the job I love, but more of doing the job that I want to. If not for the money, then I want something more solid to my well being. Either case, I know there is not much chances to stay with current employer. There are moments of lost equating own worth with checking in office while nothing on hand. Gladly, I can still sense the genuine greetings every morning.

1 step – yeah, it’s a psychological game to move myself a little far off from the current network – colleagues, systems, smell and sight … all these things being familiar with for so many years. I don’t know if the career break is what I am after now. I know for sure I need to work. Well, work not the same as job … nor activity means productivity. So, may be I need to come to the terms of what exactly career break means to me.

1 step – well, I have more than that actually, such as, joining 7am classes at a gym for the sake of getting my lazy body out of bed, and back in shape … The real motivation actually comes from my both knees. I have to do something to protect the good right leg in order to support my bad left one. Somehow, I have that little complaint coming back … why? Why should I have that tumor. But then, I remind myself to be grateful with that experience.

So, my 1000th step will be … a) have a clear view of what to write on the new page of life, and start living on that; b) finish my 2 little projects on hand, both personal related.

A smile

Yes, a simple friendly smile with eye contacts can make a slight difference .. for example, enlighten the day start and make the coffee taste better

Looking forward to that.

Mathematical Logic or Myth

I have this day dream while doing some petit work at office …

It’s Sept 9^th 2009, around 9am in the morning … I supposed to make a table reservation for 9 people (incl myself) for the lunch today … ‘Ummh, I must be too dullish to noticing this’.  

This was what happened in my mind,

If I add 3s ‘9’ up, ie 3*9 = 27 … then add the remaining numbers, it’s ‘9’.

Ok, try another one. Year 09.9.9 at 09hr, 09 minutes, 09 sec … it’s 6*’9’ = 54 …. Add the remaining numbers up, it’s ‘9’ as well.

Try again and again … just do any numbers on the calculator, as whatever you put in, multiply by 9 … then add up all remaining numbers, they always come back exactly equal to ‘9’.  

WHY?

I might learn this reason before … no, perhaps never. Anyone who can entertain me?