Choices – 1

Have you ever done any flowchart ? I did a lot when working as a consultant. There are boxes, symbols, lines and arrows, each has its specific definition and function … to illustrate / to summarize something. One particular box I usually frown with is the decision box

Why there are only Y/N, True/False, Success/Fail, etc? In reality business processes and our lives are not that simplified … ie., we do not make decision as simple as that.

More than often we tend to complain having no choices in a lot of things. On the other hand, I would say, our inner self would remind us that we do have choices, sometimes a bit too much. The best or appropiate or rational choices sometimes not what we want, … and then we tend to drag on hoping the situation may change to our favor (or what we project to be). Then, cruel reality chips in … we may then leave with limited choices …. Seem we never have enough of ‘decsion box’ !

So the power to choose is in our hands – it may be complicated by the timings, by the situation, by the role or proposition we are in for that timg / situation and the goal we want to achieve. I can relate this to some of recent encounters – from job search, relationship to health. (I am yet clear of key messages to be shared here - let me contine in next round.)

BTW,  tell me, do anyone experience this … ‘have the feeling on something doesn’t mean have to act on it’

True or False?

 Yes or No?

How do we treat our lives … while someone we knew left us quietly …

2009 … like it or not, I have 2 colleagues gone forever, 1 suffers ’stroke’ at relative young age and journey ahead will be challenging…. then old relatives passed away also at short notice and last time we met probably at last Chinese New Year …

It’s probably a love song, but the lyrics just remind me that we miss someone when he/she no longer around ….

Once … (曾經) – 1

Read an essay today from a local newspapers (my favorite and been loyal to the same newspaper for a looooong time). It’s about ‘once’ what we did/said/thought … but after a while, different perspectives kicked in and we lost that feeling ‘once’ we so strongly attached to or ignored. (see if I could make a quote here later after getting the permission from the author, and I shall try my best to translate the key messages then)

As a matter of fact, lately, while I was emotonally swinging from one end to another end, trying to uphold a little balance in terms of job search, I found out my last boss (a Brits) experienced the similar. I would say he indeed has more challenging demand than mine since he has 3 adorable kids to care for.  As expected and mentioned last time, I didn’t get the hand-shake from last interview, but it’s OK. I have already predicted that outcome and official reasons. Was I disappointed? A little bit, not because I was rejected. Rather, I see the chances in that job allowing me to do something different … and most important, I want to be in that forerunning mode of leading a small change in the market. On the other hand, I couldn’t deny that slight hesitation in my mind about the ‘chemistry’ part with the guy I talked to. 

Up to here, I didn’t talk anything relevant to the Title. 

Once … I was so open to offer my time … energy … network to colleagues and staff, expecting nothing but derived the joy from seeing their growth and success. I have no intention to claim myself being ‘great’ but at that time, I truly believed that kindness and loyalty ’should be’ part of the core values in all manhood (or womanhood). Then, time flew and I grew up a little bit… becoming a little self-absorbed and protective. Perhaps, the corporate life made me realizing something else. Lately (just these 2 weeks), I was quite unsettled because one of my colleagues (and former staff) suffered unexpected and serious illness. I grieved about the lost of a young colleague in March. I hate to learn that another young lady with whom I know for a while being put on such test for her life. Some how, I question myself now, ‘do I deserve such luck and blessing?’ 

Once … I was not happy that she handed in her resignation while I tried to help her progressing … I thought I was doing her a big favor. I wished her luck at the day she left, but I cared no more later when she came back to the same company….. I am worried now about her well being but I don’t have that ‘care’ any more … gee, I wish I could explain why. 

When I read that essay today, I was sort of stunned. I read it just about the time I had that little query in mind. Coincidence?   

Dream

Why would I invite you in my dream while knowing it’s not real

But in that fictitious world, impossibility becomes reality, almost

One after another one, we talked, touched, shook hands, or just nodded to greet

I could smell, feel and hold the ‘object’ of you

But in this real world, impossibility is the truth

Another ‘a smile’

I think … that was a friendly gesture. A click? Umm, not sure.

There must be cases where we meet someone a few times but never have real conversation … then a simple eye contact with a smile do make a difference. Taking another step out to socialize may kill me now – but I like the sweet, confidence smile on the face.

1 step towards the 1000 steps

Don’t take that literally, but I did make 1 step forward in terms of job search. On the other hand, that 1 step was in fact initiated from the Linkedin. The world has become so much ‘netted’ that sometimes I can’t be sure how good or evil it is to have ‘me’ exposed in this virtual world.

OK. ‘Me’ as a potential saleable item, being approached by a head-hunter firm despite I didn’t send any CV out. So far, I was talking to my own network and struggled to decide if I wanted a career break or another boat (whatever). Well, I had that little luck, guess so, and meetings with both the head-hunter and the potential company were going smooth. Yet, I didn’t feel excited to join that company, vice versa, though I matched most qualities that the company has outlined.

1 step – umm, it’s still a good one for me to practice the ‘selling’ part after all these years hibernating in a matrix system. I don’t mind working a few more years for money if that is the job I am really after. It’s not that doing the job I love, but more of doing the job that I want to. If not for the money, then I want something more solid to my well being. Either case, I know there is not much chances to stay with current employer. There are moments of lost equating own worth with checking in office while nothing on hand. Gladly, I can still sense the genuine greetings every morning.

1 step – yeah, it’s a psychological game to move myself a little far off from the current network – colleagues, systems, smell and sight … all these things being familiar with for so many years. I don’t know if the career break is what I am after now. I know for sure I need to work. Well, work not the same as job … nor activity means productivity. So, may be I need to come to the terms of what exactly career break means to me.

1 step – well, I have more than that actually, such as, joining 7am classes at a gym for the sake of getting my lazy body out of bed, and back in shape … The real motivation actually comes from my both knees. I have to do something to protect the good right leg in order to support my bad left one. Somehow, I have that little complaint coming back … why? Why should I have that tumor. But then, I remind myself to be grateful with that experience.

So, my 1000th step will be … a) have a clear view of what to write on the new page of life, and start living on that; b) finish my 2 little projects on hand, both personal related.

A smile

Yes, a simple friendly smile with eye contacts can make a slight difference .. for example, enlighten the day start and make the coffee taste better

Looking forward to that.

Mathematical Logic or Myth

I have this day dream while doing some petit work at office …

It’s Sept 9^th 2009, around 9am in the morning … I supposed to make a table reservation for 9 people (incl myself) for the lunch today … ‘Ummh, I must be too dullish to noticing this’.  

This was what happened in my mind,

If I add 3s ‘9’ up, ie 3*9 = 27 … then add the remaining numbers, it’s ‘9’.

Ok, try another one. Year 09.9.9 at 09hr, 09 minutes, 09 sec … it’s 6*’9’ = 54 …. Add the remaining numbers up, it’s ‘9’ as well.

Try again and again … just do any numbers on the calculator, as whatever you put in, multiply by 9 … then add up all remaining numbers, they always come back exactly equal to ‘9’.  

WHY?

I might learn this reason before … no, perhaps never. Anyone who can entertain me?

Where the hell am I heading to?

It’s along break since last entry. Get no ideas and urge to write, not even a small temptation to download thoughts for later exploration or reflection. I am back to square one.  

Talking about job searching (not hunting), there is not much internally which indicated how determined top, top management wanted to kill  ‘senior’ (or high paying) shits like me. No, no… am not being harsh to myself. On the contrary, I am thankful for having this opportunity to revisit my own needs and future path. However, I can’t get myself really enjoy this slack period, still trying doing something ‘useful’ and be productive at office. Well, perhaps I played it totally wrong and instead, added a bit stress and doubt to my own worth. I have this ‘project plan’ detailing all little tasks to keep myself busy – but then I achieved nothing. Having said that, I bought myself a new notebook (spending a few nights installing programs back and trying to familiarize with this Vista thing. Can’t believe myself being obsolete already – slow to catch up with all these new functions and logics. And, the touch pad is not as user friendly as before, the screen too wide and I have to keep scrolling up and down, … Well, ok, not more whining.    

Back to the topic of job searching, I couldn’t even get myself talk about it straight in my head. It’s like a fugitive game, keep running away to just take the first step. Perhaps, deep in my mind, I want to take a career break, but I have no strong passion in any other thing that I want to jump in right the way. Really messy.  

Don’t let me go on here, I rather write something more purposeful, despite how silly or insignificant it may be.

A letter to myself

Dear me,
Do you notice that dusk chips in earlier these 2 days? The hot summer will not last long then.

We know time is one thing we can’t never negotiate for more, nor be able to slow it down. Despite this simple wisdom, we seldom respect it much and disguise our idleness as seem time is killing us instead. More than once, you said, ‘give time, time’. Now, you are so anxious to see each day slips away while you are dithered to make even a tiny step forward. Isn’t that difficult to answer a simple question, ‘what’s next’?

In many ways, you are actually anticipating the ending of the current job / or your formal career life. You are anxious because you are not sure if that’s the right decision to make. You are sort of scared because you have no 2nd goal to aim for. Whilst a lot of colleagues and old friends comfort you that life outside corporate world is more fun though a little bit uneasy initially. But then, you feel moody and even a bit angry, right? Let’s talk about this …

First, you know well that you are competitive, talented and competent in many ways. If you do enjoy corporate life, I am sure you can find similar and even better (more senior) job elsewhere. The question is, would you like to spend your next 10-15 years in that scenario, while assuming you have only 30 years left in this world?

Deep inside you know your passion is on helping others, then use the God’s gifts for this purpose. Perhaps you have yet appreciated much your ability to create, to develop and to make things happen. Even you do not have brilliant communication skills, you can still impress and influence others greatly. Then, it’s time you use them differently for the less advantage groups.

Second, you have many interests that either you have not deeply explored and enjoyed, or being pushed aside for many years. For you to really live the life, even you still see it a duty, then it’s time also for you to put those interests a higher priority. One day, you may see the life itself is not just about fulfilling duties, but an enjoyment to be cherished and shared widely.

Third, you need to stop analyzing what and why of the past. It’s time for you to really put your focus on present life – ie, live the present. We all made mistakes, sometimes same mistakes again and again. We may even hate ourselves being stupid and unwise. However, it’s also our anticipated failure that gets in our way to grow. Sometimes, it’s not even our faults to put us in the mess but that’s the lesson we have to learn in order for us to acquire different skills set. Just like project management – regardless how experience we are in risk / issues management, there are always new challenges and risks that we do not encounter before. Hence, it is nothing wrong to feel pain or even upset with our ‘failures’ as they are as meaningful as the successes we desire for.

Last, trust what you said, ‘give time, time’. Sometimes we work out ‘the answer’ just live each day as it is. Hence, focus on your ‘to-do’ list for this time being as you don’t draft that list for no reason. Give each task full attention as if it is the project with target delivery date, though the project client is yourself.

Have a good week start.

Yours truly,
Me